Saturday, August 13
didn't go to school today. on mc. which i had to pay for myself. $20. good grief. i paid almost $10 cabbing home from jean's house. i feel very very poor indeed. sigh. not to mention i got told off by the doctor when i said i didn't want any medication as i'm taking something from the chinese doctor [i have something to take but it makes me drowsy so i don't]. well originally i'd planned to tell the truth that i simply can't afford medicine! sniff.
i really ought to discuss some things with sam soon. but i'm just so lazyyy. we've left the issues of testwork and COH dangling for ages. sigh. funny the woman hasn't emailed about testing us for our warrents. or did her email go into the junk folder again?
we were talking about gen's sister's boyfriend again last night. they really do make a good couple! so sweet. sigh. haha. and then i remembered that gen once said christy's like me, only worse. so i'd have to find someone sweet and accomodating right? i have this sinking feeling in my gut that i'll just end up quarreling with the person all the time. should stop having something to say about everything.
so much workk to do. prepare for econs timed assignment. study for math test. chinese hwk. study tingxie. math hwk [a lot of tutorials. whoops]. lit. and that's just for this week alone!! *stresses out*
duty before self, but which duty and which self? if left to myself, with no parents or teachers to nag, i'd definitely choose relationships over studies. since my studies aren't that great anyway and it's not like i'm on my way to some great career. but every time i do that, i get told off by parents and teachers alike. can't they see - i have entirely different priorities. i don't see the point in pushing my way to the top, if i have to be alone. i'd rather be the wind beneath someone else's wings. besides, that person probably deserves better, would probably be able to go further than me. but they never understand when i try to bring my point across. i realise it sounds irrational. but i'm not just selling myself short.. i've got my own moral code now. as long as i keep to it, all these dilemmas should fade.. right? the biggest issue i'll ever have to deal with is probably envy. and maybe poverty in the near future.
sometimes i think i'm masochistic. my heels are clear evidence of that. and.. fwah. i don't know why i do these things to myself, seriously. i could settle for something else, possibly something else better, i have no idea. but i insist on making myself miserable hankering after something i will never ever have.
can't believe, can hardly breathe without you by my side, i know that i could build a tower out of steel and stone but trying to build a bridge to you is something i can't seem to do.jean said last night that the song's tune isn't that nice although the words are. but there's something about the tune.. that somewhat haunting melody.. it seems like a parody of a nursery rhyme to me, or a child's song. that gentle repetition, so deceptively simple in itself. its sheer simplicity juxtaposed against the weighted words.. seems almost a mockery.
if i could turn this dust to gold, you'd see it clearly.. trying to earn your love is like trying to learn the art of alchemy.eating nonstop. this cannot be good for my sore throat. or runny nose. or cough. ahh heck. -coughs lungs out-
if there is just one thing i want to remember til the day i die, it's the way your smile lights up the room.
it must've been love.
5:23 pm
xoxo
